Life Style

How do you see life? As a ride to be enjoyed? A game to be played and potentially beaten? A series of unfortunate events, or challenges to be hacked?

Going back to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, survival is the threshold – once basic, physical needs are covered, our minds and selves are freed up for higher pursuits. But are we born into certain levels? Is his hierarchy a kind of psychological caste system?

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I’m currently reading Tolstoy’s War and Peace, and in one chapter he argues, through a character named Prince Andrew, that Russian serfs are meant to work hard, to have their days filled with demanding physical labor and that, if a landowner wanted to give them more freedom, he would be doing them more harm than good. A serf is a type of person that needs this labor to survive.  Without it, he’d be lost – feeling useless and not knowing how to fill his time productively. In the same breath, the prince posits that just as he would suffer in the serf’s life of manual labor, a serf would have no idea how to manage his time in the prince’s life of leisure. So each is born into a level, and that’s that – it’s for the best. The rare ones who transcend levels are meant to do so, but they are mere exceptions.

This might seem cruel and unequal and classist – but does it matter? Are the concerns of one class really so different from another? I love the show Sex and the City, and I’m currently watching Girls. The former chronicles the lives of four women living in New York – they have well-paying jobs, are in their thirties, and the show explores their relationships, the ups and downs of their personal, everyday lives. Girls follows four twenty-something girls, also living in New York – they run in circles of entitled young people, all being supported by their parents, not really having a clue about how to handle life, and struggling just to pay rent. But the show explores the same themes as Sex and the City – relationships, everyday life – their humanity. So does it matter how much money they’re making? Maybe Carrie is worried about spending too much on shoes while Hannah can barely make rent, but won’t the same types of problems always exist? Won’t the real issue, the one we remember, not be our financial stability or the weird job we worked, but the relationship with the guy who wouldn’t commit, or the ex-boyfriend who’s now gay, or the moments of warm friendship in the midst of all this? Does class even matter?

Now I know that, in this comparison, I’ve looked at two sets of white women from middle class families. I know, it’s a biased perspective. But I think it could apply to more circles than you’d expect, and I think that what ultimately makes the difference is not the class you are in, but the way you approach life. If Carrie Bradshaw suddenly decided to dedicate her life to philanthropy and making the world a better place, I think she could find a way to do it just as well as Hannah Horvath could. Sure, they have different connections and talents, but that’s the point – they’re different people. The differences they could make in the world are equally valid.

If you’re born into the ghetto, raised in a gang, always looking over your shoulder, selling drugs just to survive – you could find ways to enjoy this. You could coast through it, accepting it as your lot in life, hardly thinking about moving up or down in the world, just letting yourself live the life you were born into, having relationships and making deals and simply living. Or, if you see life as challenges to be surmounted, maybe you’re driven to do well in school, to get a scholarship to college, to rise out of the class you were born into. You’re an exception.

But that’s on an individual basis. They don’t teach life strategy in school. I never took a class on figuring out your passion or your purpose in this world. So maybe you’re compelled, internally, to figure this out for yourself, or maybe you’re not. And, more than whatever situation you’re born into, I think this is what decides your fate. You can practice, you can study, you can move yourself up in the world – but it’s entirely your prerogative to do so.

What do you think – am I being unfair? How do you approach life?

Love, calm, & care –

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Trump’s America

Donald Trump – business tycoon, reality TV star, President-elect of these “united” states. Are you surprised? America stands for opportunity, right, the American dream – and, if we’re calling the American dream building a billion-dollar empire, Trump is the embodiment of it. In America, we seem to value money over character, pride over empathy, appearing authentic over knowing and embracing our true selves. And the new leader of our country is perfectly in line with these values.

And yet – people don’t seem okay with this. Anti-Trump rallies are breaking out across the country, citizens have started wearing safety pins on their clothing to designate themselves as “hate-free” – a safe space for people to be different. Really, we now feel a need to let people know that we’re not all bigots. Since Trump has become president, friends have told me about black men being shoved to the tune of, “Obama can’t protect you now,” and half-eaten McDonald’s hamburgers being thrown at unsuspecting trans people. Is this what we want – a culture of hate and anger? Is this what America has become? Or is it what America has always been?

For united states, I’m not sure how united we’ve ever been. That is – what is it that unites us? Economic freedom, capitalism, imports and exports? Or personal, spiritual freedom, fresh starts, a chance to be anybody and achieve anything – freedom to be ourselves? Enough people united on the former to select a president that falls in line with our monetary values, our obsession over appearance and decadence – regardless of morality or tolerance.

But what was America founded on? Both? Men came here to plunder, to get rich; families moved here for religious freedom; convicts moved here to start fresh; slaves were shipped here against their wills to serve the white men in their plundering; Irish immigrants escaped famine, Jews discrimination, Mexicans poverty, Muslims kidnapping and the hatred of the world. My ancestors are Irish criminals and Jewish heretics – will you hold this against me? Do my ancestors, the people whose heritage I share, define me? The Statue of Liberty still stands in Hudson Bay, supposedly welcoming all who wish to enter, inviting the “tired, poor…huddled masses yearning to breathe free, / the wretched refuse of your teeming shore.” In this poem inscribed at its base, Lazarus calls the statue “Mother of Exiles.” Trump himself is the son of German and Scottish immigrants – at what point do we close our doors? Build a wall, and we might as well knock down the Statue of Liberty – the statue called Liberty Enlightening the World when it was erected for our Constitution’s centennial. I’m not sure we deserve it anymore.

Once upon a time, character was valued over wealth. War heroes like George Washington chose to return to farming instead of accepting the money and power offered to them; presidents and politicians were respected – people to emulate, paragons of virtue. Politics aren’t meant to be a full-time job or a business – public servants really were servants at one point, working for the good of the common man because they sincerely cared about their country. Sure, there have always been exceptions to this, but when did money take the place of character and humanity? These are opposite ends of a spectrum, and over the years the poles have grown further and further apart. But when did we become so superficial? Think about that, please, because based on our nation’s current values, the pervasive myth that, “I’ll be happy when…”, our misunderstanding of love, our delusion that we should all like certain movies or pop stars or buy certain shoes or cars because it’s what cool, because it’s what everyone else is doing – based on all that and so much more, we picked the right president. Whether you voted for him or not, by participating in this culture – by watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians, spending more time on Instagram than on yourself, chasing raises and promotions like rats in cages – harsh, I know, but it makes each and every one of us culpable. Emerson got it right in 1844 – “The antidote to this abuse of formal government is the influence of private character, the growth of the Individual.” Until we start valuing authenticity over conformity, love over fear, personal growth over external status, until we find some balance between money and joy – until then, Trump is the perfect president for these United States.

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Birthing a New Nation

I read recently that what really defined the fall of man, in the beginning, was gaining awareness. The knowledge we gained was the knowledge that we existed on this planet. Instead of simply living blindly, allowing events and circumstances to unfold as they may, we started thinking about it, started plotting, started making plans and strategies for how to live – something that, as far as anyone knows, we’d never thought to do before. Because we didn’t know any better.

But, in the societies that followed this awakening, many groups were excluded from living in the light this knowledge provided. Women and people with darker skin tones or different religions were excluded from the greater plan that straight white men conceived and subsequently enforced. It’s taken hundreds of years and countless atrocities to get to where we are today. Damage has been done, but we are making progress. Think about when this country – America – was originally founded. White men who thought they ran the world came in on their ships; they plundered, exploited, and enslaved entire native civilizations. Our country – and others – were founded on practices of slavery, of cruelty, of subjugation.

Really, what was our nation birthed on? On the one hand, we have strong principles of liberty, of freedom to pursue dreams. Supposedly, if you read the poem on the Statue of Liberty, we are a nation for the poor, the downtrodden, for people who are suffering in their homeland and need a fresh start. If only these things transcended the boundaries of race and class and religion and gender.

Nate Parker’s film – The Birth of a Nation – is necessary, and it couldn’t be coming at a better time. If you don’t know, it’s using the same title as one of the first movies ever made in America, one that praised the KKK as a heroic force and showed black men as unintelligent sexual predators. One hundred years after the first try, Parker redeems the title, telling the true story of Nat Turner, an enslaved man who led a rebellion that started this country on a path toward ending slavery.

Schools today are deficient in education about slavery – people like to brush over it, gloss over the filthy things that slave owners did. This movie no longer lets that slide. Jarring cruelty is shown, but it’s not simply to shock – it’s told in such a way that brings it home, that makes it real, that makes you as angry and as heartbroken as if these unspeakable things were being done to your own brother or wife. Because really, the people who live in this country with us are our brothers and sisters regardless of race or class or religion. The emotion is intense, and that’s exactly what this country needs. It’s what I needed, and I know I’m not the only one who is able to live in some kind of bubble because of the lack of melanin in my skin.

This movie works like hydrogen peroxide on a wound that has been festering, infected, never fully healing. It’s massive and dirty and awful, but this film, along with other movements and works of art, is cleaning it out. Healing will take some time and some pain. But pouring the hydrogen peroxide is a step forward. Acknowledging what happened can lead us toward progress. It can unite us as people under new empathies, new knowledge. We can express our concern by speaking up, by looking critically at what our nation was founded on, and by evaluating if that is still what we need.

Discrimination is dead. We can look to current news and politics to see that this is not yet true in practice, but I know enough people who believe that – that nothing is skin deep, that a person lives INSIDE a body, and any judgments should be suspended for conversation. I know this is easier said than done, but at least we’re talking about it. Let’s use our fallen trait – our awareness of living – let’s use it for good. Let’s stay woke about what’s going on, let’s practice love and kindness and inclusivity in our own lives. It starts small, with individual people, and when individual people all watch a movie like The Birth of a Nation – that does the world some good. And isn’t that what we all want?

Take care –

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On [Lemonade] and America

If you haven’t read Part I – it’s not necessary. This focuses on general themes.

What I love about this album is its transcendence. On the surface, the obvious meaning is Beyoncé making lemonade with the lemons that Jay-Z gave her when he cheated on her. But this can represent so many other things – controversies and conflicts that are referenced throughout both the visual and auditory albums.

For one thing, on “Sandcastles,” Beyoncé is transcending herself. She sings “Every promise don’t work out that way,” referencing the ultimatum she had always set down that if he cheats she is gone. And then James Blake, in his chillingly angelic voice, sings – “Forward.” The lyrics of this songs make it sound, for one, that Beyoncé is suggesting an open relationship of some sort between her and Jay-Z, recognizing that the bond they have is greater than most, that the strength and multidimensionality of their connection is not worth throwing away over some becky. At the same time, these lyrics suggest a moving forward for America, an opening of minds to unity – an American identity.

I’ve heard people reference “white culture,” and I guess this is meant as mainstream America, but, honestly, I’ve always felt lost in this country because I can’t see a culture I identify with. My ancestry is mostly Jewish and Irish, but we’ve all been in this country so long that if I tried to join a Yiddish community in New York I’d feel interested, but certainly not at home, and while I might look Irish with my red hair and pale skin, I have no idea what kind of Irish communities exist in the U.S., and I’m not sure I care enough to find out. If I think of white culture, images of preppy kids on golf courses and in country clubs or California surfers come to mind. I don’t fit in either of those scenarios, but even they have some diversity. I don’t know what white culture is, but I don’t want to. What I want is American culture. And I want it to be more than what it is right now. And I think that can only come if we embrace each other, start being generous with our traditions and beliefs and strengths, and come together.

bell hooks, in her critique of Lemonade, wrote that Beyoncé neglected to really call out the patriarchy – that change must be mutual. This goes for intimate relationships, for patriarchy and feminism, and for people of all races. Change must be mutual.

There’s a Gandhi quote that’s used so often it’s likely lost its meaning for many – “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” If you want a world of love, acceptance, kindness – you don’t have to wait. In Beyoncé’s visual album, a woman’s voice speaks these words: “So how we supposed to lead our children to the future? How do we lead them? Love.” Be love to everyone around you. People notice a positive example, even if you don’t get constant praise and recognition for it, you’ll know you’re doing the right thing, and, I promise, your actions will make a difference. Someone is always watching. Maybe not the world, but all progress begins on an individual level.

hooks also wrote that, while Beyoncé’s Lemonade focused primarily on the bitterness of the lemons, it’s actually a sweet, refreshing drink. We’ve all been through some shit, but true lemonade is made in “celebration of our moving beyond pain.”

So, Beyoncé, I love Lemonade for its celebration of black women and its transcendent messages. It’s a necessary work of art with words and images that the world need to see, to recognize its power, and to acknowledge and laud the strength of black women. Now – I know at least one white girl that can twerk (it’s me), and I’m sure some Asian and Native American and Mexican and racially ambiguous girls know how to get down to a beat, too, and I would love to see some racial inclusion in your future work – practicing your own message of moving forward. After all, we are American, and, more than anything, I want that to mean something. And I want it to be positive. AND I believe that’s possible.042015_0136_HowtoWinFri1.jpg

 

[Lemonade] Deconstruction Part I

Everyone drinks lemonade. She did not call this Grape Soda or Jungle Juice or champagne. She called it Lemonade. Pour yourself a tall glass. Share the pitcher with everyone you know. It is delicious.

On the first track, “Pray You Catch Me,” she’s praying to be caught, to end the dishonesty. We all know how painful lying is. The betrayal of feeling slighted, deceived – disrespected. “Maybe it’s a cause for concern / that I’m not at ease.” Trust yourself. And, in the beautifully shot visual album, she jumps off a building into water. He didn’t catch her.

Beyoncé reads poems between the songs, all by the poet Warsan Shire, In the poem after this song, she grieves how when men hurt us, we attempt to reduce ourselves. If we weren’t enough for them…then what?

Then she opens the floodgates, in the most amazing dress I’ve ever dreamed of owning, and is enough for herself, singing “Hold Up / They don’t love you like I love you.” This is the freedom, the power that comes with realizing your agency. If you’re Beyoncé, this manifests in smashing car windows and fire hydrants with a baseball bat, smiling and twirling and owning every inch of your fine self. It is glorious. She’s showing off how incredible she knows herself to be, graciously showing him how stupid he was to step out on her. Everyone watching this is thinking, “Jay-Z, what the hell is wrong with you? You’re married to BEYONCE.” And she knows it. She won’t reduce herself for him.

She labels the phases of enduring trauma, beginning with Anger. This album is a how-to guide of sorts, a method for feeling and accepting and gracefully processing the emotions that surface in hard times. She’s mad, asking, “Why can’t you see me? Everyone else can.” Maybe they don’t. But she sees herself clearly. She knows who she is, and love can only come from someone else who sees her this way. She put Jay’s ass in check. But she did it kindly on “Don’t Hurt Yourself” – “When you love me / you love yourself.” This is good for both of us. Do better. You don’t want to lose this, Jay. She is too much for you. Be the man Beyoncé deserves.

She intersperses the power of “Don’t Hurt Yourself” with a quote from Malcolm X, speaking about the struggles black women go through. And the worst part is that much of America has no idea. Well let Beyoncé inform you. She gets crazy in this song, and it’s beautiful – she is free, and she is speaking truth. But she knows what’s what – when referencing God, she flashes “GOD IS GOD AND I AM NOT” across the screen. Fans of anyone, please remember this. People are not gods. Beyoncé is a powerful woman with a good message, but she is not a deity. She’s just out here doin some good.

Next phase: Apathy. She proclaims her greatness as taken for granted and rocks it out on “Sorry.” Because she isn’t. She didn’t do anything wrong. And this touches on a common problem among girls and women – an epidemic of over-apologizing. Sorry for taking up space. Sorry for being a person. Sorry for having an opinion. Please, ladies, let’s put a stop to this. Personally, I caught myself doing this a few years ago and consciously made an effort to stop. It is possible. Now I say “excuse me” when I walk through people in a crowded room.

She ends the song with, “You better call Becky with the good hair.” Please don’t interpret this as Beyoncé calling out someone named Becky. This is a common slur for, typically, a slutty white girl or simply someone who gives head freely. “Good hair” – I refer to Chris Rock’s documentary; it’s traditionally seen as straight, smooth, tame.

Beyoncé continues to celebrate the power of wild women. “6 Inch” is anything but tame. It’s an anthem, an anthem that celebrates another woman slaying the game, lauding the work that she puts in. As women, we should be each other’s ultimate supporters. I notice women glaring at me when I walk into a room confidently. Let me be great. It doesn’t detract from your greatness. In fact, celebrating another woman makes you look better, if that’s what you’re worried about. There’s no need for pettiness – think of the greater cause. If you want women to make strides in society, start by supporting your sisters in the club. We are all beautiful. And when I say sisters, I mean all women. A term for black women has been “sisters.” During my time at Howard, I realized that that’s how they see each other. They do have it rough, and they support each other. Fashion was a thing, but never in a competitive sense. I learned how to support other women by being friends with black women. But all women should exercise this – why not empower ourselves? We’re playing for the same team.

Sisters. In Costa Rica.

Sisters. In Costa Rica.

It’s interesting that she puts the phase of Loss in the midst of “6 Inch” and ends the song with the repeated plea, “Come back.” Even at her strongest, she knows that she can accomplish the most as part of a team.

The next phase is Accountability. “Did he bend your reflection? / Did he make you forget your own name?” [Warsan Shire] Women in my family have been abused. Not my immediate family – farther up – but the marks are evident. And that makes you tough. That’s “Daddy’s Lesson.” You learn strength when women in your life have been wronged. You learn it for their sake. In this song she uses her father as someone she learned from both directly and indirectly, citing his mistakes as reasons for her toughness and his words as reasons for her strength. Women can have male role models. My dad was one of the people I respected the most.

Reformation. “Why do you consider yourself undeserving? / Why are you afraid of love?” [Warsan Shire] Love yourself first. Maybe that’s scary. Change happens when you go through some shit. It can be scary, because it’s a loss – parts of you die. But the most beautiful life can come from death. Daisies grow on graves.

To be continued.

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